


Vegas Stuck

by Blueyay



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Multi, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-21
Updated: 2014-08-21
Packaged: 2018-02-14 03:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2176539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueyay/pseuds/Blueyay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which a young man wakes up hungover married to his best friend. <br/>Seriously who accepts brownies from a well known stoner?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Good Morning

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my Fanfiction.net  
> Hint: It's the same username.

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you have the mother of all hangovers along with some pain in your backside. When you try to move you feel a pair of arms tighten around your waist. You look over and see your best friend Gamzee with his face paint smeared. “Fuck.” What the hell did you do last night? You squirm out of his arms and get up to get some painkillers and water. After downing the water you notice something shiny on your hand. Upon further inspection it is a ring. On your left hand. On the ring finger.

 

Your name is Gamzee Makara and you only remember a few things from last night, like sleeping with your best friend and something with cake. You notice when your best friend gets up, probably to get some water if he drank as much as you did. You briefly wonder if he remembers anything from last night. You decide to get up and find out.

You walk into the kitchen and wrap your arms around Karkat’s waist, resting your head on his shoulder. “Hey Bro, do you remember what happened last night?”

 

Your name is Karkat Vantas. You feel arms wrap around your waist and a head rest on your shoulder. It’s when your friend asks you a question that you notice that you’re both stark naked. You tense up and start to freak out. “Gog Dammit, Gamzee put some freakin’ clothes on, I swear to god I-” He cuts your rant short by covering your mouth with one hand. “I hate to cut a motherfucker off like that, but you were walking around naked first bro.” Oh shit. You shake him off and go back to your room to put on some pants.

Karkat look at the mess that is your apartment. You pick up some papers that were strewn about the floor. “Hey bro what’s that you got there?” you hear Gamzee come into the room. You look at the papers, they appear to be official documents stating important shit and, yep, that one is a marriage certificate, and what the fuck.

Your name is Gamzee Makara.

So that's what the cake was for. You see the papers your best bro is holding.

 After Karkat has finished reading them, he starts shaking. You’re worried he might be having a panic attack. It's not every day you wake up married to your best friend. You just see it as a miracle that happens for reasons unknown to you. Then Karkat starts laughing. Well that was unexpected.

 And now he's crying. You turn him around and hug properly, patting his back to calm him the mother fuck down. After he regains composure, he yells "Will you put some gogdamn pants on already! Jegus fuck this is messed up enough on it's own, I don't need you running around in the nude causing more problems!" You quickly pull on a nearby pair of pajama pants. "Bro its okay, you just need to get your chill on." "Don't tell me what to do! I don't even remember what happened last night, fuck who was even with us?" he yelled. "Hell if I know, all I remember was cake and sex." you replied. He just glares at you while preparing another rant.


	2. Short as hell chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cleaning up the place and finding evidence.

Hours into the future but now many.

After the two confused and frustrated young adults finished arguing, they began to clean up the apartment. Setting aside what they believed to be evidence from last night for further investigation.

“Okay, so we got two videos, four cameras, three cell phones, and a brand new photo album that wasn't here before.” Karkat began.

“Dibs on the photo album.” Gamzee said as he grabbed the book. He sat down on the couch and flipped it open, revealing pictures of the recently forgotten “wedding”. “Awe, look bro, you were wearing the cutest motherfucking dress.”

“What!?” Karkat grabs the book, he sees various pictures of him and Gamzee in dresses. Yes, you read that right. They we’re both wearing dresses. In one picture you can see Gamzee in a red strapless mermaid dress holding Karkat, who was in a very short, white, pixie dress, bridal style. “We are burning this!” he exclaimed.

“Nah bro, I want to keep it.” Gamzee replied. “Why?” “Cause we look hot.” He said grinning. Karkat just glared at him with a blush.

“Hey let’s see what’s on the videos.” Gamzee suggested. The first video contained footage of the wedding. There was a cake fight, and Dave switching outfits with Terezi halfway through the reception. Karkat makes a mental note to call everyone later to ask what happened. Gamzee picks up one of the cameras and starts to go through the most recent pictures.

“I thought you wanted to go through the damn videos first!” The shorter male yelled. “Nah, I have a feeling we should save that one” he pointed to the second video “for last.”


	3. Doorbells should play heavy metal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Davrezi is mentioned.

After going through the cameras, our favorite characters were able to come up with a vague summary of what went down last night.

_They went to the casino to celebrate Dave and Terezi’s engagement. Apparently Karkat and Gamzee won half a million dollars after getting shit faced drunk. They blew off two-thirds of the winnings on a bunch of random shit like the new golden toilet, a silver statue of a Harpy, and apparently their later to come wedding. That happened after Tavros and John got arrested twice, once for stealing a cop car and the other for setting a house on fire (by accident). Vriska was able to bail them out, only if they participated in the cross-dressing bikini contest that was happening at the bar she owned. Somehow Karkat ended up in the competition along with Dave and Eridan, and there was a picture of Gamzee stealing him from the stage, then they were splashing around in a fountain. Jade got a tattoo of a wolf on her leg. And some other vague stuff happened, some of the pictures were out of focus, blurry or cut off. And then they got married._

“This is the shittiest summary in the history of shitty summaries. This couldn’t be any more god damn awful than it already is, even if you covered it in dog shit and set it on fire! There has to be way more that happened within the span of six hours! Considering half of these fucked up shenanigans happened within the span of half an hour!” Karkat ranted.

“Are you all upset that you didn’t remember the motherfucking fun we had last night?” Gamzee grinned. “That reminds me, what the hell did you do with the second video? I specifically remember that we fucking found it in my room.” Karkat glared at Gamzee. He only smiled and honked in response.

“Whatever! I’ll find it on my own by my fucking self!” he shouted just before one of the cellphones went off. It was the red one and its ring tone was the most annoying thing in the universe. Karkat picked it up and answer it “What the fuck?” “Awe, sweet Karkat has my phone, I’m going to come over and pick it up okay?”

 “Who is this?”

 “Strider, Dave Strider.”

 “Your ringtone is the stupidest ringtone to ever be pulled out of someone’s ass!”

“Whatever dude, see ya in a bit!”

Karkat slams the phone onto the counter. “Who was that?” Gamzee asked. Karkat looked up to reply but stopped short. “What the hell happened to your face!” Gamzee had washed off his face paint earlier in a failed attempt to fix it, when he couldn’t find any extra facepaint. Going across his clean face were three diagonal cuts that had already scabbed over. They weren’t deep enough to need stitches but it would scar. Gamzee reaches up and feels around his face. His eyes widen and he runs to the bathroom. Karkat wondered how he didn’t notice before, then started to feel like a crappy friend for not noticing sooner. He follows Gamzee into the bathroom where he’s freaking out about the cuts. He slowly approaches him deciding he should try and calm him down.

= > Be Dave Strider

Your name is Dave Strider, and you finally found out where your phone is. You walk up to your friend’s apartment building. He lives in apt. 612, that’s the sixth floor up and if you took the elevator it’s the sixth door to the right. You have no idea why Karkat likes to take the stairs, its six flights for crying out loud. You approach the apartment door which is painted the most neutral of all greys. Another thing you don’t get he could of have any color on his door and he chooses grey. You knock on the door a couple times. No answer. Luckily you were able to rig the doorbell last night and forgot about it. So when you ring the doorbell heavy metal starts to randomly play. You here the yelling of ‘what the fuck!’ on the other side, and when the door finally opens….

Damn you did not see that coming.


	4. Dave you go and have fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Running around naked.

= > Still be Dave Strider

Before you stands a soaking wet, face flushed, half naked Karkat, and damn someone did one hell of a number on his neck. You’re pretty damn sure he was still a virgin up until that happened. Ouch.

 “The fucking hell are you staring at!” Karkat sneered.

“A half-naked man who apparently lost his virginity.” Whoops, didn’t mean to let one slip out of the woodworks. At first he just makes this face that is a mixture of embarrassment and anger then he steps aside and says

“Hurry up and take your damn phone, it’s on the counter.” And as an afterthought “By the way do you remember anything from last night?” he asks.

“Nope. But I did wake up this morning covered in bitches.” You reply. He raises an eyebrow at you. “Three poodles, a German shepherd, a Siberian husky, and a pair of Pomeranians.” you say before he can respond to your previous statement. You can’t help but smirk a little when he face palms.

= > Be Karkat from 20 minutes earlier

You’re not entirely sure what you’re doing but it seems to be working. He looked like he was about to smash something to pieces. His grip on the sink started to loosen up. You guess anyone would be extremely upset if they woke up one day with their face randomly mutilated. “Shoooosshhh it’s okay.” You whisper while patting his back. You have him in the tightest hug you can manage. He slowly lets go of the sink and hugs you back.

“I don’t even know how it happened.” He says.

“We’ll find out what happened later okay, we’ll have everyone meet up and to get to the bottom of this.” You replied rubbing small circles on his back. He lets out a sad sigh. It was at this moment where you realized you both smelled awful from pretty much everything you did last night.

“Hey Gamzee.” You try to get his attention.

“Hmm?” he replies.

“In case you haven’t noticed we both stink, you can take a shower first and I’ll make whatever you want for breakfast okay?” You hope he agrees. He thinks about it for a good solid minute.

“Or we could just take a shower together.” He says.

“What?” you blush furiously. You did not expect that. He grabs you around the waist and lifts you up. “Come on bro, it’ll be fun.” He jumps in the shower with you and turns on the water. Its ice cold and you immediately break free of his grasp and jump out. “Jesus fuck, are you trying to give me fucking hypothermia!” before you could continue your rant loud heavy metal starts playing throughout the apartment.

= > Be the Ironic Guy

You are now Dave Strider, and you now know who Karkat lost his virginity to. Gamzee just walk out of the shower in nothing. Not even a towel. Wow, it’s a good thing Terezi took care of you this morning. Karkat runs out of the room screaming about covering the fuck up. You just go and pick up your phone. You figure you should help Karkat get everyone together to find out what happened last night. You remember proposing to Terezi, she said yes, you bought everyone drinks, and Gamzee had some brownies on him that he decided to share. Now that you think about it, why the hell did anyone accept brownies from a stoner clown? You check your phone out real quick to see if there are any new pics. Nope nothing, but some these texts are hilarious. Karkat comes back with a blanket and tries to cover Gamzee up. Heh, they actually look cute together. You decide now is a good time to take your leave.

“Hey Karkat, let’s have everyone meet up at my place at nine, alright?” you say as you’re about to leave.

“Yeah sure whatever.” He replied trying to keep Gamzee in the blanket.


	5. Dogs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vriska owns a bar.

Dave’s Apartment: 9:15 p.m. Sun.

“Okay let’s keep this short, simple, and straight to the point, mostly because I have work tomorrow.” Karkat started.

“But your shift doesn’t start ‘til noon.” Tavros stuttered.

 “Shut the fuck up, I like to wake up early and make sure I’m good and goddamn ready before dealing with a bunching of grub fucking tourists that for some reason can’t stop bitching and moaning about me cheating even though it’s my fucking job.” He ranted. It should be noted that Karkat is a Black Jack dealer for one of the casinos in the city. Tavros works as a waiter at the very same casino.

“Uuuuuuuugh! Can you please get on with it already?” Vriska whined. Before she could start complaining some more, Dave started, “Dude, this is just an idea but what if we had everyone write down what they remembered and keep us posted.”

“That’s a stupid idea, everyone has their own fucking lives to deal with.” Karkat replied.

“What if we, um, make a forum, that everyone can post stuff on.” Tavros said.

“I’ll thet it up.” Sollux said.

“Is it just me or is your lisp getting worse?” Jade inquired.

“Didn’t you get a wolf tattoo on your leg?” Sollux replied.

“Whale we can’t all stay here, some of us have court ordered rehab to visit.” Feferi said.

“Then why the hell did you come here! You weren’t even with us last night!” Karkat yelled. “Nope, but I did get a lot of weird calls from you guys.” She replied.

“Great make a report and email it to me later, I’ll make one of thothe shared fileth on google.” Sollux said.

“Does everyone have a fucking google whatever?” Vriska asked, getting tired of sitting around. Everyone raised their hands. “Good, just make sure Sollux has your email before you leave, now if you’ll exuuuuuuuuse me, I have a bar to run.” She said as she got up.

“Wait! Don’t go yet, we didn’t make bets yet!” John said. It should be noted that John has a gambling addiction, which is why he moved to Las Vegas in the first place.

“On what?” she asked.

“Don’t you remember? Karkat and Gamzee got married. Fifty bucks says they divorce after two weeks.” John said with that strange glint in his eyes.

 “Hold the fuck up!” Karkat started before everyone cut him off by taking bets.

“Twenty says they break it off in three months.” Terezi said.

“No way, I bet thirty that they actually stick it through for at least six months.” Dave said.

“I say they last about six weeks top.” Tavros said.

“Dude, we didn’t even talk about it yet, we were too busy learning that my place got all up and trashed by myself last night. I’m staying at his place until… hell, I don’t motherfucking know.” Gamzee said with a sad face. He couldn’t believe they would make bets right in front of them, they should have at least waited until they left the room.

“Fiiiiiiiine, I say they don’t get divorced just to spite you assholes!” Vriska said, and then she left slamming the door on her way.

“Are you nut chafing morons done making a mockery out of events I can barely fucking remember, if at all!” Karkat screamed.

“Well, why the hell did you marry him?” Tavros asked starting to get peeved at the short angry male.

“I don’t fucking know! Why the hell did everyone think it was such a grand fucking idea to accept suspicious brownies from a well-known pot head?” Karkat countered in his defense.

“Oh shit man, did you really?” Tavros asked Gamzee.

“Well, if I’m remembering correctly they were special miracle brownies, I made them with some real good shit too.” Gamzee replied. Everyone except Gamzee and Tavros face palmed. Tavros was too busy laughing his ass off.

“Well, now that everyone is informed on what to do, Tavros you know anyone who likes dogs?” Dave inquired. After he stopped giggling he replied “Yeah, why do you ask?”

 “Great, everyone else except Terezi can get the fuck out of my apartment, I woke up with some dogs licking my face like a lollipop and I need to get rid of them.” Dave said. Everyone made sure to give Sollux their emails, before leaving for the night. Dave and Tavros spent three hours finding homes for the dogs, before parting ways with fist bumps.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize there may be some differences between this one and the one on fanfiction.net This is the unedited version.


	6. Memos are stupid.

Plush Rump Party Log:

twin Armageddons [TA] began memo:

TA:  for everyone who wa2 at dave’2 engagement party la2t niight, plea2e report what you remember.

gallows Calibrator [GC] joined the memo.

GC: 1’M PR3TTY D4MN SUR3 TH1S ST4RT3D 4FT3R M3 4ND D4V3 GOT 3NG4G3D.

GC: YOU KNOW WH3N G4MZ33 P4SS3D 4ROUND SUSP1C1OUS BROWN13S.

carcino Geneticist [CG] joined the memo.

CG: WE ARE GOING TO KEEP THIS MEMO IN FUCKING LINEAR ORDER THIS TIME OTHERWISE WE’LL HAVE THE ROTTING CARCASS OF ANOTHER FAILED MEMO TO HAUNT US EVERY TIME SOMEONE NEW DICOVERS IT LIKE A FUCKING ARCHAEOLOGIST IN EGYPT.

GC: SO YOU 4ND G4MZ33 WON H4LF A M1ILL1ON L4ST N1GHT, OR SO 1 SM3LL3D H3 H3 H3.

turntech Godhead [TG] joined the memo.

TG: sup

TG: didn’t they blow all their money on stupid stuff

TG: and get married.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY ABOUT KEEPING THIS MEMO LINEAR SO NO ONE IS CONFUSED ON THE ORDER OF EVENTS OR ARE WE JUST GONNA THROW THAT RIGHT OUT THE GOD DAMN WINDOW WITH THE BROKEN TV!

TA: who broke theiir tv?

terminally Capricious [TC] joined the memo.

CG: SPEAK OF THE FUCKING DEVIL.

TC: Oh sHiT, mAyBe I sHoUlD cOmE bAcK aNoThEr TiMe

GC: SO HOW W4S TH3 HON3YMOON?

CG: OH MY GOD TEREZI CAN YOU NOT, NO ONE FUCKING REMEBERS WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT LET ALONE THAT

GC: SO 1T D1D H4PP3N

TC: I uP aNd ReMeMbEr ThAt

TC: It WaS a MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLe

CG: STOP

CG: STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW I DON’T WANT TO KNOW HAPPENED AND YOU SURE AS HELL ARE NOT GOING TO TELL THEM

TC: BuT bRo YoU wErE uP aNd EnJoYiNg ThAt ShIt

TG: so let me guess karkat was bottom bitch

CG: WHAT THE FUCK GAMZEE I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU THAT WE WERE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THAT AND WE NOT HAVE A REPEAT OF THOSE EVENTS ANYTIME SOON

TC: So CaN wE dO iT aGaIn In ThE fUtUrE?

CG: WHEN TAVROS CAN WALK AGAIN

TC: AwWw mAn

TC: ThAt WoUlD bE a MiRaClE iF tHaT eVeR hApPeNeD

TG: I think theres a really expensive surgery out there that can fix that

TA: 2top iit right now or ii’ll block you

TA: we need two focu2 on what happened la2t night, open another memo iif you want two fix tav’2 leg2

TG: alright alright im just here to see who won the cross dressing bikini contest

GC: 1 R3M3MB3R K4RKL3S W4S 1N S3COND PL4C3

GC: TH3N G4MZ33 K1DN4PP3D H1M TO PL4Y 1N 4 FOUNT41N

TG: if he didn’t have a really flat chest I would’ve thought he was a girl

TG: like where did all his junk go? It sure as hell wasn’t in the bikini contest

TC: Oh It WaS tHeRe AlRiGhT, mOtHeRfUcKeR’s A gRoWeR ;o)

TG: a what?

GC: YOU KNOW, L1K3 4 FLOW3R 1T ST4RTS OFF SM4LL TH3N TR1PL3S 1N S1Z3

CG: FUCKING STOP TALKING ABOUT SHIT YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW WE WILL NOT DICUSS GENETALIA OR ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES THEM. WE ARE GETTING BACK ON TRACK WITH WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.

arachnids Grip [AG] joined the memo.

CG: FOR EXAMPLE BEFORE THE BIKINI CONTEST JOHN AND TAVROS WERE ARRESTED TWICE AND VRISKA HAD TO BAIL THEM OUT TWICE, SO NOT ONLY DID THEY END UP IN THE FUCKED UP CONTEST BUT THEY BOTH WERE AT HER BECK AND CALL THE REST OF THE NIGHT.

AG: I made them do dances all night loooooooong.

TG: oh my god you are a genius, please tell me you videotaped it and put it on youtube it would be all kinds of ironic

AG: I’m surprised at you dave

TG: for what?

AG: you weeeeeeeere the first place winner

TA: wiill you guy2 2top wiith thii2 non2en2e and ju2t report what you remember

AG: alright I’ll stop 8eing fun and cut to the chase

AG: after I 8ailed Tavros and John out of jail, I had them enter my 8ikini contest to pay off their de8t. Dave, Eridan, and Karkat were also in the contest.

AG: Dave came it first place, karkat in second, aaaaaaaand third place went to Tavros

CG: WAIT A FUCKING MOMENT

AG: what mad that you landed second place?

CG: NO, I’M JUST CURIOUS AS TO HOW THE HELL DID SOMEONE IN A WHEELCHAIR PARTICIPATE IN A BIKINI CONTEST. I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER BEING ON A STAGE WITH STAIRS

AG: I had some tough guy lift his wheel chair on stage

grim Auxiliatrix [GA] joined the memo.

GA: I Will Keep This Brief

GA: Rose And I Have Received A Number Of Messages Last Night About A Talking Polar Bear From Gamzee And A Squirrel Stealing Cars With A Cow From Dave

TG: ha, I remember that

GA: That Is All, Have A Good Day

Grim Auxiliatrix [GA] has left the memo.

CG: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU REMEMBER A SQUIRREL AND COW STEALING CARS

TG: easy I witnessed John and Tavros stealing a cop car and I thought they were a squirrel and a cow.

TC: ShIt BrO hOw MaNy BrOwNiEs DiD yOu EaT?

GC: 4H H4 SO TH3 CULPR1T 4DM1TS DRUGG1NG 3V3RYON3 4T TH3 P4RTY

TC: WoAh, I dIdNt MeAn To SiS

GC: T3LL 1T TO TH3 JURY

CG: CAN WE PLEASE STAY ON TRACK

AG: this is getting crazy, I have a 8ar to run, so I’ll see you guys l8tor

AG: oh and one more thing, I’m going to forward everyone pictures from the bikini contest

arachnids Grip [AG] has left the memo.

CG: FUCK

TA: 2hut up and report what you remember

CG: FINE WE BLEW OFF OUR MONEY ON A GOLDEN TOILET AND A SILVER STATUE OF A LADY THAT IS HALF BIRD AND HALF SCARY AS FUCK

TA: niice

cuttlefish Culler [CC] joined the memo.

caligulas Aquarium [CA] joined the memo.

CC: )(i 38)

CA: cod dammit howw did I lose the bikini contest

CC: I told you to s)(ake it

TA: hi fef how2 iit goiing?

CC: swimmingly, at my last re)(ab meeting W-E GOT TO --EAT COOKI---ES!!

TA: that2 niice ii2 your mom 2tiill cutiing you off?

CC: yeah 38( its getting )(ard to keep up with bills

TA: iif you want two, you can 2tay at my place for awhile

CA: NO NO NO NO, she wwill havve nothing to do wwith you

CG: CAN YOU ASSHATS KEEP THE DRAMA OFF THE FUCKING MEMO I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO STAY ON TRACK

CC: o)( yeah t)(at reminds me about t)(ose weird calls I got from you guys KARKAT WAS T-ELLING M-E THAT GAMZ-E-E STOL-E HIS UND-ER W-EAR

TC: WeLl I wOuLdNt CaLl It StEaLiNg WhEn He WaS ThE OnE wHo Up AnD tHrEw It In My FaCe

CG: CAN YOU TWO STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT NOW

CA: come on kar you cant hide evveryfin from all of us

CC: I also got a call from Terezi

GC: FROM M3 >:?

CC: yea)( you were telling me )(ow dave looked beautiful as sea turtle and t)(at he s)(ould play turnips more often

TA: guy2 gue22 who ju2t 2ent me an emaiil about biikiinii2

GC: VR1SK4

GC: 1 JUST GOT 1T TOO 4ND D4MN 4M 1 GL4D TH4T 1M GONN4 M4RRY TH4T PLUMP RUMP H3 H3 H3

TG: thank you, thank you, I couldn’t have done it without the help of the academy

GC: C4N 1 H4V3 T4ST3 NOW?

TG: alright

turntech Godhead [TG] has left the memo.

gallows Calibrator [GC] has left the memo.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?

CC: w)(ale im done )(ere so im gonna message sollux later BY-E

cuttlefish Culler [CC] has left the memo.

CA: Wwell, I guess I’m done here too, later

caligulas Aquarium [CA] has left the memo.

TA: you know what

TA: 2crew the memo ii’ll ju2t take iindiiviidual report2 from everyone and 2end everyone a fiile wiith all the event2

TC: So We’Re AlL uP aNd DoNe?

CG: FUCK, YES WE ARE DONE WITH YET ANOTHER SHITTY MEMO THAT LITERALLY FAILED WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN IT’S EXISTANCE

CG: WE ARE NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN.

carcino Geneticist [CG] has left the memo.

TC: ByE mOtHeRfUcKeR

terminally Capricious [TC] has left the memo.

TA: good god that wa2 awful

twin Armageddons [TA] has ended the memo.


	7. These variations are getting out of hand.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Screw consistency.

You are now Karkat Vantas

After work, I went on to that ridiculous memo. Then after three excruciating hours of stupidity I get off. I decided that now is a good time to sit down and talk with Gamzee about that night. After ordering pizza of course.

I called the nearest pizza joint and ordered two large pizzas, one pepperoni, one Hawaiian style and some cheese bread. Gamzee left earlier to get himself some faygo.

I had Gamzee move in with me yesterday because, in case everyone didn’t already know, he trashed his own apartment and before the landlord kicked him out I helped him gather the few surviving possessions of his rampage. Since my apartment only has one room, I let him sleep in there.

In a sleeping bag.

On the other side of the room.

God what was wrong with me.

I hear the doorbell, which I was able to fix with some help from Sollux, ring like a normal god damn doorbell. It’s probably the pizza guy. I answer the door and nope that’s not the pizza guy. “Hello Karkat, it’s good to see you again after so long. Mother was getting worried since you haven’t called her in two weeks, and while I understand that you are an adult now and can take of yourself, she would like to hear from you once in a while to make sure you are doing well. I also received a triggering email from one of your friends about Dave’s engagement party a couple nights ago. I was informed that while under the influences of not only alcohol but drugs as well, you married your best friend Gamzee and I’m here to make sure that you are covered legal wise should you get a divorce, and while I-”

“Kankri, shut the fuck up!” I yell.

“Karkat that is very rude and-” he starts.

“Just get in here I’m waiting for the pizza guy and Gamzee.” I pulled him inside and shoved him towards the living room. “Long story short, Gamzee’s apartment got trashed, he’s living here for the time being, and we were going to talk about that today.” I told him before he could start another lecture. He sits down on the sofa and sighs deeply.

“Karkat do you want to be married to Gamzee? Aren’t you the least bit worried about losing half of your property if you two get a divorce?” he questions.

“Maybe, I don’t know, right now Gamzee has nowhere else to go and I’ll be damned before I kick my best friend out on the streets.” I reply.

“Awe, I knew you cared about me.” I hear a deep voice say from behind me. I turn around a see Gamzee grinning with two grocery bags of faygo. The doorbell rings again. “I’ll get it, you two assholes stay here.” I say before answering the door. Finally it’s the pizza guy. I pay for the pizza and bring it in the apartment. I hear the pizza guy call out “Later babycake!” before I closed the door. Who the fuck calls someone babycake of all things? I try to shake it off but it keeps bugging me. I put the pizza down in the kitchen before sitting down at the counter. Someone called you that before, but when? I put my head in my hands and think.

You are now Gamzee Makara

I can smell pizza coming from the kitchen. Karkat’s older was going on about something but I wasn’t really paying any attention. “I don’t about you, motherfucker but I’m gonna up and get some pizza.” and with that I left the living room and made my way over to the kitchen. Once there I discover Karkat crying on the floor.

 


	8. Flashbacks are awful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Either I already or will edit this story so it matches the one on fanfiction.net

Be Karkat Vantas having a horrible flashback.

Gamzee had “Kidnapped” me from the bikini contest. I was wearing a bright red string bikini. Gamzee was carrying me bridal style. For some reason I thought he was made of candy and kept biting his collar bone. When I drew blood, I could’ve sworn it was purple. He carried me all the way to a fountain in front of some fancy casino. I couldn’t stop giggling. We splashed around and pretended to be mermaids. Then we played catch the fishy, I was the fish and Gamzee was the shark he was able to pin me in the water without drowning me. We may have had sloppy make outs a little bit. I don’t know if anyone saw that or they just didn’t give a fuck. At some point in the middle of our fun some drunk assholes decided to intrude on us. Gamzee disappeared in the spray of the water in a game of tag. At first I thought it was him who grabbed me from behind but when I turned around it was some guy in a striped shirt and bright orange jeans. “You’re not Gamzee.” I pouted like a little kid. “Awe, don’t pout babycake.” the stranger cooed. Pretentious asshole. He tried to pinch my cheeks. I bit his fingers. I thought his blood was green. The stranger’s friend tried to grab me when I wasn’t looking, but Gamzee came back and knocked him out in one punch. He glared at orange jeans and growled “Don’t motherfucking touch my best friend.” I was standing right behind Gamzee when orange jeans pulled out a knife. Then they moved so fast I wasn’t sure what happened exactly, but when it stopped I was looking at a man with a knife in his thigh screaming, Gamzee was covering his face with both hands, and suddenly everything was too loud. Everything went fuzzy, my ears started ringing and the next thing I know Gamzee was putting his hoodie on me and picking me up. He started carrying me to his apartment.

 When we got to his apartment he set me down on the couch and covered me with a soft blanket, then went straight to the bathroom. I heard him shuffling around and turning on the water. I fell asleep to the sound of splashing water and the sink running. I woke up a few minutes later to the sound of Gamzee trashing his apartment. He kicked over his coffee table, threw all dishes at the wall, flipped his TV, and tried to do the same with the couch until I started yelling at him. He pulled me off the couch and pinned me to floor, successfully tangling me in the blanket in the process. Tears and drops blood were hitting my face. I was forced to look straight up into his face. He was bleeding and crying. I untangled one of my hands from the blanket and slowly placed it on his cheek. I surprised myself by shushing him. I ran a thumb over his cheek and wiped a tear away. He loosened his grip on me. I shimmied my other arm out and pulled him into a hug. “It’s okay, everything is going to be alright, I promise.” I told him. “How are you going to motherfucking keep that promise?” He hiccupped. I tilted his down and gently kissed each cut on his face. “If you doubt me so much, then I’ll marry you.” I replied. He grabbed me around the waist and flipped us, so that I was on top of him. He grabbed my face and started kissing it all over.

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are currently sitting on the kitchen floor crying.

Be Gamzee.

I walk over to my bro and squat down in front of him. I put a hand on his shoulder and he stiffens up. “You alright man?” I ask. He shakes his head. I press my forehead against his. “Do you want to share with me what’s eating at your think pan?” He starts to sob louder. I shush and tell him “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to, just do what feels right in your blood pusher.” “I know, I saw,” he starts to stutter out. I pull him into a hug and rub circles into his back. “Take a deep breath bro.” He inhales slowly, and begins to tell me about his flashback, how he remembers the motherfucker who slashed my face, how we went back to my place, how I up and trashed the place, then he goes all quiet like, trying to keep something in he isn’t so sure about. I hear a “ahem” from behind me. Kankri giving us one of his looks that tells us he don’t appreciate what we’re doing but there ain’t a thing he can do about it. I help Karkat up and walk him over to the counter. He sits on the stool closer to me. “Karkat is everything alright?” Kankri asks. “Yeah, I just need to talk to Gamzee about some important stuff.” Karkat replies. His older brother seems to ponder this for moment instead saying the first thing that comes to mind. Miracles. “I suppose I should take my leave now, I will come back later when you sort everything out. If you need anything at all don’t hesitate to call.” He keeps it short and straight to the point, another miracle. We say our farewells to Kankri as he leaves. As soon as he’s gone Karkat tugs at my arm in the direction of the living room. He sits down on the couch and motions me to do the same. Once I got myself comfy Karkat starts “Gamzee, we need to talk.”


	9. Motherfucking Crocadiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You see this bullshit, you see why I hate overly complicated formats!

Your name is Karkat and what the hell did you just agree to?

Two hours earlier.

I was sitting on the couch with Gamzee and started to talk to him about our situation. What I didn’t expect was a confession. He told me how he had wanted to ask me out for a while.

Well I figured why not give him a chance. I’m not going to lie but the prospect of dating my best friend didn’t sound _that_ bad.

Plus it would be like that one movie I like.

We agreed that if it didn’t work out after six months we would get a divorce. If we got a divorce then I would help him find a new apartment.

The current predicament.

I didn’t think our conversation would lead up to this.

Being locked in the bathroom with just a towel around my waist.

And a crocodile.

A FUCKING CROCODILE.

LIKE HOW THE FUCK DOES A CROCODILE END UP IN MY APARTMENT!!!

Be panicking Gamzee.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh fucking shit.

How? Why? What?

Some motherfucker dropped off a crate and said we ordered it. Why would anyone in any state of mind order a crocodile? If anything I would’ve gotten a goat.

Deep breath, now how the fuck am I gonna get that croc out of the bathroom and save Karkat at the same time?

I pull out my phone and call Equius. “Yes, hello?” “Hey, Equibro, I got a real important question.” “Considering your lack of rude language, I will have to assume you’re sober.” he replies. “Yeah man, serious situation, there is a crocodile locked in the bathroom with Karkat, what do I do?” I ask. “I stand corrected, there is no possible way for there to be a crocodile in Karkat’s apartment.” he states. “Motherfucker, may I remind your sorry ass that we live in fucking Vegas! Sin city bro, where motherfucking anything can happen!” I don’t mean to yell but this is a dire situation. “Oh, My, I need a towel.” He responds after a few seconds. I take a deep breath and decide to ask one of those what if questions. “Okay motherfucker, let me put it this way. What would you do if Nepeta was locked in a room with a crocodile?” “I would break down the door and have the beast’s jaw in a **strong** vice grip, while Nepeta runs to safety.” he declares. Eh, what other choice do I have? I hang up without saying good bye and break into the bathroom.

Miracles everyday man.

Be the naked guy.

You are now Karkat Vantas.

Before the crocodile got the idea to eat me I hopped up onto the bathroom sink. I decided to call him ass muncher pervert extraordinaire. Ass muncher for short. Anyways the ass muncher couldn’t quite reach me from where I was perched. It looked my biggest problem with ass muncher was the fact he had giant ass jaws. Well I guess if I had a way to keep his mouth close I would be in the clear. The bathroom is too small for ass muncher to his tail, so I don’t have to worry about that. Goddammit I don’t have anything to tie his mouth close, except for my towel.

Fuck it.

The door’s locked so no one is going to see me.

I carefully remove my towel and get into position. When the crocodile closed his mouth I jumped onto his head and held his mouth shut while tied the towel around it. Ass muncher flicked his body side to side in attempt to get me off. Lucky for me the bathroom was too narrow and he only knocked me into the cabinets under the sinks.

After I double knotted the towel and felt confident that his mouth will stay shut I moved back off of him and stood up. I was about to go unlock the door, until Gamzee broke it down and knocked me backwards.

Be the guy staring in amazement.

You are now Gamzee.

And damn if that wasn’t the most, fuck I don’t even have words for it, thing I have ever saw. The cutest motherfucker I know is sitting on top a crocodile all pretty like. Oh shit where did his towel go? Wait it’s tying the croc’s mouth shut. I could just get my stare on for hours.

“Hey, fuck ass, quit staring like a retard. I’m not letting this ass muncher pervert extraordinaire escape the bathroom until animal control gets here.” he shouts at me.


	10. Fast forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ain't nobody got time this shit

Kakart’s P.O.V.

After the incident with the crocodile and the guy from the company saying there was a mix up. We now have a goat.

His name is Crocodile, but Gamzee calls him Tootsie.

Equius and Nepeta came over when the guy was taking the crocodile and handing over the goat. Nepeta decided to call him Sir Leopold the Lion Roar. Equius just asked us if we were okay. Then Gamzee exaggerated and told him I beat the crocodile to submission while I was naked and a little tipsy. I had to rectify that all I did was tie the crocodile’s mouth close with my towel.

After the first week of Gamzee living with me, I decided to let him sleep in the same bed as me. Not my greatest decision, considering he hugs me like a teddy bear at night now.

At our second week John lost the bet he started, serves him right that douche canoe. I was okay with Gamzee holding my hand, even in public when we finally found someone to goat-sit for us to actually go on a date.

It was around week 3 I was okay with kissing.

Okay I was somewhat enthusiastic about kissing. Shut up.

Week 4 was when our remaining friends that had a bet on us, started interfering. Like Dave and Terezi suggesting threesomes, or Tavros who found a new dealer that’s cheaper.

Week 5 was when Vriska stepped up her game and told everyone to fuck off and anymore interference will result in a forfeit of their bet. She then started asking personal questions that I sure as hell didn’t answer and Gamzee didn’t understand enough (or at least pretended to) to answer with actual coherent words.

Kankri came to visit on the sixth week. I was finally used to cuddling with Gamzee and then he showed up. He went on about how I shouldn’t get too close because I’m more likely to get a divorce. Then my reply went like: Not if Vriska wins her bet. Then he went on a long lecture about gambling and gambling addictions and how could my friends do that, blah blah blah. I know he cares and all but I’m a grown ass man. I can take care of myself damn it! Tavros lost his bet.

Week 7 we taught Crocodile the goat how to climb the fire escape.

Week 8 we get into an argument about whether or not Crocodile can sleep in the bed with us or not. We compromised and made a small bed for the goat and placed it next to ours. My room started to smell like goat, eventually I convinced Gamzee to give Crocodile a bath at least once a week.

Week 9 I am now okay with taking showers with Gamzee as long as Crocodile stays outside of the bathroom.

Week 10 Gamzee’s dad visited us.

He decided to stay with us for two weeks.

And those two weeks were tense. His dad was scary as fuck so we didn’t argue when he applied his own rules to my apartment. He regarded the goat fondly. Then he asked us why we named him Crocodile. We couldn’t tell him what really happened, he would either think we were lying or that we went crazy. So I just said “Why the fuck not?” He glared at me and opened his mouth to say something, until Gamzee cut in “Motherfucker you wouldn’t believe the crazy story of how we got that goat, Karkat here had to wrestle a crocodile naked.” He just gave Gamzee a look of I’m so done with your shit. On his eighth day here, he asked when we were going to get a divorce. Gamzee outright said “If I’m lucky, never.” At this point I was so done with everyone talking about divorce, I just wanted to hide until the six months were over. So I got up and went to my shared room. Gamzee followed a few minutes after.

I was lying face down on the bed. I jumped when I felt hands suddenly touch my shoulders, then relaxed when I noticed it was just Gamzee. He started to rub the tension out of my shoulders. I fell asleep when he started on my back. I woke up a couple hours later to the melodic sound of things breaking. Oh fan-fucking-tastic. I got up and trudged into the living room to see what was going on. The next thing I knew I was being pinned down on the floor with my arms over my head. I was really fucking awake then. Gamzee’s dad was on top of me glaring down at me. “What the fuck?” left my mouth. “You are not going to cheat my half-brain son out of what’s rightfully his.” he shouted at me. “Get the motherfuck off of him!” I heard Gamzee shout. I turned my head to look in his direction just to watch him try to knock his dad off me. He hit him and fell flat on his ass. “Is this about the goat?” I asked, not really sure what the hell was going on. “Nah, old man here thinks you know about my uncle Stevie.” he said standing back up. He grabbed the statue of the harpy that I have been hiding under the couch and said “Okay old goat get off Karkat now, or I’ll fucking hit you with a naked bird lady.” Mr. Makara had to do a double take at the statue before getting off of me. I sat up and demanded “Explain why you two are acting crazy…. more so than usual.” Gamzee started “Well apparently a couple weeks back my uncle Stevie died and left all his money to Kurloz and me.” “Great put it in a bank, save it for when you really need it.” I replied. “How do I know you won’t take it?” Mr. Makara spoke up. “Because I have a fucking job, and we still have money left over from the casino, I also pay for this apartment.” I raised an eyebrow. He didn’t really think I would do that to Gamzee, did he?

That was exactly what he was thinking. Even as the two weeks ended. Before he left he told Gamzee to call him if and when he was getting divorced.

You know what. Fuck everyone. I’m going to hold out for a fucking year just to spite everyone. And if I’m still happy then I’ll keep it up for another year.

Week 13 Terezi lost the bet. And Gamzee decided he wanted to celebrate our two month anniversary. So we pawned off the Harpy statue and went to Kanaya’s tailor shop. She was happy to announce that she and Rose were somehow getting a baby. We got ourselves fancy clothes and fancy reservations at a fancy restaurant and invited Terezi and Dave to come with us. So I might still be bitter about the whole bet thing, and maybe we didn’t express how fancy this place was.

They say success is the best revenge.

The next couple of weeks after that were a bit awkward around Dave and Terezi. They did their best to play it off as ironic.

Rest of the six months passed uneventfully. Just the regular routine. I get up, squirm out of Gamzee’s bear hug, trip over the goat, get dressed, get ready for work, eat breakfast, go to work, come home to Gamzee doing god knows what, dinner then sleep. It was the day before Dave and Terezi’s rehearsal dinner that Gamzee announced that he was going to try his best to quit drugs.

The end of the six months Dave loses the bet.

The day after I finally fucking found it.


	11. I give up.

Karkat’s P.O.V.

I finally found that fucking video that Gamzee hid on me. I really wanted to know what the hell was on it but Gamzee said I should wait.

Like fucking hell I’m letting that dumbass tell me what to do. I love him and all but I think I can handle whatever’s on this video.

Besides what’s he going to do, cuddle me into submission? Like that’s going to happen.

 

Gamzee’s P.O.V.

I thought that little motherfucker would never find that video. I don’t think he’s quite ready to see that kind of shit.

I don’t want to do anything crazy, but I don’t want him to flip his shit.

Looks I don’t have much of a choice, I’m going to have to stop him from watching that video.

 

Third Person.

Karkat locked himself in the bedroom. He pulled the curtains in tight. He made sure that no one else was in the room. When he felt confident in his privacy, he decided to put the videotape in the VCR. “Damn, what is this, the 90s.” he thought to himself.

Before he could hit play, Gamzee jumped out of the closet. “How the hell?” was all Karkat could get out before Gamzee tackled him to the floor. “Closet’s the best hiding place in the world when you know what you’re doing.” he smirked.

Karkat could’ve sworn he checked the closet, he checked everywhere, even under the goat bed. Hell he even made sure the goat wasn’t in the room.

“What the fuck!?” Karkat began to squirm. Gamzee had him pinned to the floor.  “Will you get the fuck off of me?!” Karkat yelled. “Nah man, can’t let you see that vid.” Gamzee replied. Then he moved his hands down to Karkat’s side. He slid his hands under the other’s shirt and started to pinch his sides.

“Stop that!” Karkat wriggled under Gamzee. “What’s wrong, ticklish?” He replied.

And so the married couple engaged in one of the most vicious tickle fights in the history of tickle fights. There were elbow jabs, high pitch shrieks of laughter, several position changes, revenge, and finally a truce which led to cuddling on the floor.

After they had cooled off from their tickle fight, Karkat just spread out on the floor next to Gamzee.  “Okay what’s so bad about this video that you don’t want me to see?”

“I don’t know how well your memory is, but do you remember what happened after Dave and Terezi’s party?” Gamzee propped himself on his elbow to look at Karkat.

“We did a bunch of crazy stuff and got married.”

“And after that?”

Karkat blushed and rolled over to face away from Gamzee. “Stuff…”

“What kind of stuff?”

Karkat made a small noise and curled up. Gamzee crawled over to Karkat and turned him over. He moved on top of him and nuzzled his cheek before kissing it. Then he kissed his chin, his nose and everywhere on his face before stopping at the corner of his mouth.

Karkat ran his hands up Gamzee’s back and into his hair before pulling him into a kiss. He pulled on Gamzee’s lower lip and sucked on it before opening his mouth. An invitation that Gamzee accepts.

Gamzee wraps his arms around Karkat while soft smacks filled the room.

While Gamzee slid his knee in between Karkat’s legs, the telephone rang.

“God fucking dammit.” They broke apart grumbling. Gamzee went to lay down on the bed as Karkat answered the phoned. “What they fuck do you want?” he yelled.

“Hey grumpy butt, guess what our friendly neighborhood robotics engineer created one of the greatest masterpieces ever to be beheld or behold, no wait, to look at.”

“Dave you either get to the point now or I will shove a twenty foot pole up your ass.”

“Party at Equius’s, he’s showing off something super cool, like colder than ice, so icy chill you’ll lose your fingers to frostbite if you stare too long.”

“What the fuck is it, and why the fuck should I care?”

“Let’s just say someone made a bet with Gamzee and lost.”

“Who the fuck is brain rotted enough to lose a bet with Gamzee, which has to be the stupidest thing I’ve heard, Gamzee doesn’t even gamble.”

Dave only laughed his ass off on the other line before telling him to be there at 6 p.m. tomorrow.

 

 

Later, or rather the next day in an undisclosed area.

Actually it was totally Equius’s get together with his friends.

There was cake, yay! Oh, and there was punch that Vriska was soooooooo going to spike as soon as Kanaya stopped guarding it. Honestly there was no chance since several guests did not want a repeat of the events that started this story.

As soon as everyone arrived Equius gathered everyone into the living room. Tavros was sitting in his wheelchair by Nepeta who was sitting on couch. Nepeta was trying to pull the blanket, he had covering his legs, off.

“Not yet Nepeta!”

“The great huntress demands to know what the Bowman and Lancelot have been hiding from her.”

Equius walks up to them “Okay you can show off now.”

Tavros hopped of the wheelchair and threw the blanket and Nepeta’s face. Everyone stood and stared in shock and awe as Tavros walked up to Vriska. Equius had built Tavros a set of bioelectronic legs, which Tavros decided to use to kick Vriska in the shin.

“That’s for, uh pushing me off the fucking bridge in middle school” Tavros flipped her the bird before retreating to other side of the room; while Vriska was hopping up and down on one foot holding her shin.

After the fuss Dave proceeded to stand on a chair carrying a packet of papers.

“And now I give you a copy of the Memo that we were supposed to forget about.”

He just tossed them into the air and let them flutter around everyone. Some people grabbed one, others just gave him a look that said ‘This isn’t a fucking game Dave.’

“Highlighted on these pages is proof that someone lost a bet with Gamzee Makara” Terezi snickered.

Karkat picked up one of the pages off the floor. He froze and mentally cursed past Karkat for being stupid. Highlighted on the page was:

_“CG: WHAT THE FUCK GAMZEE I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU THAT WE WERE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THAT AND WE WILL NOT HAVE A REPEAT OF THOSE EVENTS ANYTIME SOON_

_TC: So CaN wE dO iT aGaIn In ThE fUtUrE?_

_CG: WHEN TAVROS CAN WALK AGAIN”_

Gamzee walked up beside Karkat and nudged his side.

“Hey bro, are you alright?” he looks at the paper and notices the highlighted portion. He decides to take the opportunity to reach down and grab Karkat’s ass.

“Honk.”

“What the ever living fuck Gamzee!” Karkat jumped at the unexpected contact.

“You did say when Tav could walk again.” Gamzee waggled his eyebrows.

“Oh my freakin god, if that’s what you were waiting for to have the right to jump me in the shower then news flash: WE. ARE. MARRIED. you could of just asked, like seriously if you were holding out on me because of something so fucking stupid-“

Karkat is cut off when Gamzee presses his lips against Karkat’s. “Relax motherfucker, I just didn’t want to anything you wouldn’t like.” He wraps an arm around Karkat’s shoulders. “So wanna go home and watch that video?”

“The video of the wedding reception or the other one?” Karkat replied fidgeting.

“You know which one.” Gamzee leaned in and whispered “Unless you want to reenact it.”

Karkat covered his face with his hands. “Oh my god Gamzee.” The taller leaned back and smirked.

“Is that a yes?”

“Fine, let’s go home.” Karkat grabs Gamzee by the elbow and leads him towards the door. After exchanging farewells with their friends, they returned home to ‘enjoy’ their evening together.

The End.

 


End file.
